I said 'I love you' the last

I said 'I love you' the last.

You came to my life while I was fragile, and yet independent.
I still am. I mean the last part - independent.
I was fragile because my last relationship before you four years ago scarred me.
It scarred me to be in a relationship because I was too tired to start again.
To know someone new.
To know the bad and good in you.
To let them know the good and bad in me too.

But you told me, "Oh give yourself a chance".
"I won't be like your ex and hurt you".
"It's not fair to yourself because of someone else".
After thorough thoughts, so I give in.

But remember I forgot how to love.
I forgot how to date.
Because of the scar I once had.
And I've been questioning you and myself,
Why a guy like you be interested in me?
The question I pour out to you
is because deep down inside I do love you
and I'm scared of losing you and you knew it too.

The first date we had was amazing.
No fancy restaurant or expensive dinner.
It was just a ride in a car on a coastal road.
As if it was just us on the road, and the road belongs to us.
Making my heart nearly explode.

Even after the amazing date I still had the doubt.
Why would a guy like you liked me?
I asked because I forgot how to love

Every day you told me you love me.
Every day you told me you miss me.
And I just skipped, immediately to "how are you?"
or "how's your day?"
That time I hope I did not hurt you for not saying it.
Because I was unsure, whether to accept the love or not.

Oh did I forgot to mention, that you have a kid that I adore?
A beautiful daughter that I love so dearly.
So I'm telling you this, that I don't love you.
But I love you both wholeheartedly.

Wherever I go, I bring you two in my heart.
Wherever I travel, I always think of you and your daughter.
So I brought souvenirs like how a mother would bring back home

When finally I trust in you.
and felt that you're the one.
I wanted to spend the rest of my life
with a kid that is not my own.
When finally I replied back "I love you too", and finally I said, "I miss you"
When finally I decided to....
You decided to crush my heart into many pieces. Why?

Was it because I was insecure seeing you with your ex?
Can't a woman be jealous because you used to have a thing with her?
Can't I have this "feelings" that they used to have something together?
Were you annoyed by my jealousy so you decided to leave?

Well I never questioned you going out with your female friends,
or when you decided to have a female roommate because you told me there's nothing to worry about, so I trust.
And that roommate of yours is engaged to someone that is also a friend of yours.
I never questioned you going to a sex bar with friends, because why not a guy have fun once a while?
I did not force you to change your wallpaper that was a picture of your roommate because she hacked your phone, this is what you told so. So I trust and believe in you.

The day you were in an accident oh I cried.
I can't eat or sleep because I was worried.
I spend the day with friends to have fun.
But my mood changed and theirs too when I saw your updates.
I feel helpless and useless that I can't be there with you because of the distance we had between us.

Later I noticed your changes, but I tried to brush it off.
You had an accident, a court case and you might lose your job.
You were supposed to spend your time with me, but you gave me lame excuses.
But I don't want to say anything that can tick you off.
Hey, I'm still a human, not a saint, I did say something awful because I feel unappreciated and not loved.
You got mad and you told me its enough.
And later I said sorry because you told me it's my fault.
So I punish and blame myself.

Before our last meeting that I did not know it was the last.
We had the last kiss and hug. And of course a kiss on my forehead.
We're gonna meet again, so I thought in my head.
But no I did not know that was my last seeing you.
You seem distance and you don't reply to my texts anymore.
No more "good morning" or "what are u up to?".
Even a "Hi" wasn't there for me anymore on my phone.

You wouldn't call me, pick up my calls or even text now.
and I thought you're going through your dark phases and depression.
I feel useless again that I'm not with you.
So I send you a basket gift hope to cheer you up.
But again my phone is still empty without your name.
I got mad and I block you.
Because there's nothing else for me to do.
I don't understand and I was confused.
So there's nothing else to do but back away.

After one month I thought I was strong.
Because my guts before this tell me something was wrong.
And I unblock you and your roommate, but now she's no longer your roommate. But your partner instead.

So my guts were right and never wrong all along.
I had all these unanswered questions in my head.
Why did you say you loved me when you didn't mean it.
Why did you lead me on and bring me to meet your kid?
Why did you tell me to give chance to myself in the first place?
and why did you said you can treat me better, but hurt me instead?

But I know what to do.
There will be no turning back.
And life must go on.
So here I wrote a piece of my love.
And to remind me how it hurts.
Because I know myself.
That I can forgive easily.
But I have this piece of memoir to make me remember.
That I was the one to say 'I love you' the last.

Your sincerely,
"My lil asian"



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