Love and heartbroken

I was on FB scrolling down the newsfeeds.. then I saw this post, it was damn long but worth to read! I can feel warm liquid draining from my eyes rolling down my cheeks.. So I want to share this post in my blog.. because this is exactly how I feel when I'm in relationship but you have to end it... Happy reading... 

To whom it may concern.

I thought you were the most beautiful thing in the world.

I never imagined you and I, out of all the people in this world, would go through something so devastating as we did.

We created the most beautiful memories. We climbed all the way to the top together, only to slip and fall as soon as we got there. And though I may have contributed to that fall, I tried so hard to hold on to you.

My heart shattered into a million pieces. Eventually, I realized I couldn’t save us. I couldn’t undo what had been done, and I let you go to find your true happiness.

All I ever wanted was my own family. Every day, I dreamed of falling in love with a woman, getting married, buying a beautiful home and one day bringing our own little bundle of joy into the world.

I guess it goes without saying that you made all of that feel real for me; you helped make most of those dreams come true. I wanted nothing more than to be the best husband, a romantic lover, the most selfless provider, a strong protector, and one day, the world’s best dad.

Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but I loved you so much. All those things I wanted to be, I couldn’t imagine with anyone but you.

Our life together - it was like paradise. We ran carefree in this theme park we call life. Holding each other’s hands, we laughed, cried, loved, and we were in awe of everything we experienced. We were children with dreams, and together, we thought about the day when all of ours would come true.

Eventually, though, those roller coasters stopped. The music died down, the lights shut off, and our magical journey came to an abrupt halt.

You were gone.

Suddenly, everything that was so familiar about life felt so foreign. I was lost without you. All I had left were my memories and dreams of us that I knew would never come true.

There are a few things that I never had the opportunity to tell you...

Every time I called you, I looked forward to hearing you answer the phone. You would say my name in this voice that sound so innocent and so loving. And it never changed. It always reminded me of the beginning of our relationship and all of the reasons I fell in love with you. Who would have thought something so simple could be so powerful? It’s what made you unique.

Remember all the times you yelled at me when I was looking at you? You’d ask me why, and I would either laugh or get angry. You know what? I looked at you because I thought you were the most beautiful thing in the world. I didn’t care what you were wearing; whether you had makeup on. I’d look at you and get lost in your laugh and your smile. Whatever flaws you believed you had, I loved how you’d look in the mirror and always suck in your stomach; how you always analyzed every picture we took together and made me delete them, nine times out of 10; how you’d pace around on the phone when you were nervous. Or how about how you loved to be on video? I noticed everything. But I loved it.

How about your birthday, when we arrived at the store and got the fine pair of shoes, only to find out it was made for men. Yet you still want it and use it until today because it was given by me. I still remember when you fall asleep in one of our journey. I kept thinking about getting to marry you one day and having the opportunity to experience that moment over and over again. You looked so peaceful, and it reminded me of the responsibility I had to protect you, always.

I will never forget picking up the phone and answering you, asking me to get ready and meet you at our favorite place so we could grab dinner. It was spontaneous, I know, and in hindsight, not very well-planned. I didn’t care, though.

I wanted to ask you to spend the rest of your life with me, and I guess I just couldn’t hope for anything anymore.

Your book had been sitting in my room for three months in its green cover. Every time I looked at it, I would think back to that day in KLCC bookstore when I first laid eyes on you.

I thought about us being kids, not having anything but each other. I thought about the dreams we shared, and how I was so ready to spend the rest of my life with you. You helped shaped me into the man I was becoming, and this was a representation of my love and appreciation for you.

You were my best friend. I wanted so much more for the both of us.

Sometimes, though, we have to accept the unexpected.

Our worlds need to fall apart, so we can put them back together the way they were meant to be.

There’s nothing more important to me than your happiness, and knowing you have that means the world to me. Our lives took different paths, but that can never take away from the memories we shared.

As for me? I’m happy. I’ve found peace. I am busier than ever with work, I found a new passion with writing, and I’ve been rebuilding a life that was once in a million pieces.

I still dream of having a family. I still dream of holding my own child. Of course, I still dream of falling in love and finding my true happiness.

I’m much of the same Zailee you knew, but so much different.

You see, too many people live with hate in this world. Those same people live with anger and fear.

I’m not one of those people.

I’m disappointed we never got to finish writing our happily ever after, but I’ll never be angry. I’ll never hate you, and I’ll never be dishonest about my emotions. God gave me this amazing opportunity to love. It brought me to so many beautiful places, taught me so much about life and gave me memories I’ll cherish forever. How can I ever be angry about that?

I want to say thank you. Thank you for all the awesome dates, fun food, and for making me think this is what love truly is. I do not want you thinking this was all a facade, I really did believe it was love.

But, I want to thank you for teaching me how to love. I learned a lot about myself in this enduring process. I learned that I am a loving person deep down, when originally I was a “no feelings” type of guy. I learned that I have the capability to love, and it takes a lot to bring it out. I learned I am a very caring person, probably too caring at times, but I care a lot about people who care about me. You taught me to be open and say what is on my mind, sometimes good and sometimes bad.

You taught me how to argue and to watch what I say. Sometimes I wouldn’t have a filter, but I learned to be careful with my word choices because you shouldn’t hurt the ones you love.

I also learned that not everyone loves like I do. I can’t force anyone to love and care like I do. Everyone loves and cares differently, and I need to find the right person that I am compatible with.

You also taught me that sometimes love is about letting go. But just like the seasons, people change. You were no longer the person I thought I loved, but you became someone I had to try to change.

I learned there is a difference between possession and love. Company doesn’t mean security and attention aren’t contracts. I learned the value of myself, and that I am way better than I ever thought I was. It took me a while, but now I can look in the mirror and be happy with myself and be so free. I am no longer a chained down soul, but a happy person that I know deserves better.

To your parents, sister, brother — tell them I always loved them as if they were my own, and I’m sorry if I never lived up to their expectations. I knew how much they loved you. I knew what kind of man they wanted for you, and God knows, I did everything I could to make sure I was just that. You are a good sister and a great daughter. One day you will become a loving mother. Another qualities that makes me adores you until this moment.

And finally, to you — I’m sorry for anything I may have ever done to hurt you. More than anything, I wanted to spend forever with you by my side, and to one day add our own little peanut who would join us for the ride. Everything I did in my life was to ensure yours would be all you dreamed it to be. I wanted to give you the world.

Unfortunately, I fell short.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have held you tighter during our first date and picked a movie that never ended.

I’m not perfect, and I never want people to think that I am. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve done things I’m not proud to admit, and I’ve made decisions I wish I could take back. But I loved someone with every bone in my body, with every beat of my heart, and every inch of my soul. It wasn’t perfect, but I know for sure I loved with everything I had; I loved in such a way that your happiness was always mine. And I’m thankful for that.

I once told you I wish I could put into words how much I loved you and share it with the world; here’s my best shot at that promise.

Losing you may have been the most painful experience of my life, but it made me stronger than ever. It somehow made life feel real.

While on public eyes I lost my better half, in reality I lost so much more.

I lost a piece of me that I will never get back.

Take good care of it.

All the best,

Mohd Zailee